Jun 042013

This summer, I’ve made a resolution to get outside with the kids more often.  The last couple of summers I’ve been what you’d call a lazy slob.  Part of this is due to the “Hygiene Dip” and part of it comes from sitting while I work.  While the kids run around and play outside, I’m inside the house sitting down in front of a computer working on one of the websites.  My computer chair has an ass-print that would make hardcore gamers proud.


Parenting: You’re doing it right.

My goal this summer is to get out of the house and head to the park for some exercise.  Lucky for us, there is no shortage of parks nearby.  Yesterday, we hit up the park across from the kids’ school in hopes of gaining some new friends and losing a little weight.

Unfortunately, the park was empty for at least an hour (or at least it felt like an hour), but in that time, the kids managed to get me on a pretty strict workout.  Here’s how it went down.


Time to ship up!

The playground is a giant ship with all kinds of things to do–none of which a grown man has any business doing.  Especially a grown man like myself who weighs too much to ride the horses at The Gold Mine Ranch.  Nevertheless, Caleb developed a hardcore 7-step exercise routine for me.  So, after downing the last drop of my sugary 20-ounce Mountain Dew and hiking up my pants, I began working out.

First, he expected me to crawl through this teeny, tiny, hole:


A teeny, tiny hole that my 4-year old can barely get through.

Then, it was up and out an even smaller hole.  Caleb was going easy on me and told me that since I was so big, I probably wouldn’t fit and I could just crawl back out and climb up the ladder.  He hasn’t learned how stubborn his Dad is yet, so with much groaning and muscle-straining, up and out I went.


Yep, that’s the hole. And I owned it.

Step three involved swinging from the trapeze.  I’m not a gambling man, but I’d bet that if I my 6-foot 3-inch frame weighs too much to ride a horse, some little trapeze built for 4-foot, fifty-pound 1st-graders won’t support my frame either.  Only one way to find out right?


Yes, my butt dragged on the bottom.
NB4 Poopdeck

With my butt already hurting from hitting the deck, it only made sense that the boy make me use that same aching butt to go down the slide next.


Once we all hit the bottom of the slide, it was time to walk the plank back up to the helm and take a little boat ride.  All the kids took turns commanding the vessel and it wasn’t long before I was ready to abandon ship and return to my park bench where another sugary soft-drink (this time a Pepsi) lay waiting.  But, Caleb still had two more exercises for me before we could call it a day.


Remember that tiny hole you crawled in at the beginning?  Let’s do that one more time Daddy.  Except, instead of crawling up and out through the tiny hole, let’s climb up and stick our heads through the windows–both of them.  Yeah, that’d be great.”


Let’s end the workout on a high note.  Caleb, once again informing me of the limitations of my massive frame, said that I could push him and his sister on the glider instead of actually riding it myself.  Fine.  Whatever.  Are we done now?


Why don’t you kids swing while Daddy sits down, regains his breath, and downs another soda.


Correction: Why don’t you kids swing while Daddy sits down, regains his breath, and watches Leah down his soda.  I swear, some days it’s like you’ve been kicked in the face with two size 11′s.


I was so glad when somebody else finally showed up.

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