Mar 052013
 

When we first decided that I would take on the Stay At Home Dad role, I didn’t really know what to expect.  I figured I’d play video games most of the day, catch up on some quality television, and maybe even change a diaper once in a while.  Then reality hit me.  While nothing can prepare you for a role as a stay at home dad, here is a brief list of things you can expect.

 

You will be tired.  And instead of going to bed early, you will stay up late, because everyone else is asleep.

The dog will be easier to talk to than your baby.

Nothing will make you laugh as hard as the faces your baby makes trying to poop.

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Friends will ask if you wear a French Maid’s outfit.  They will find it hilarious every time they ask.

If you have a daughter, she will dress you.

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In case you’re wondering, yes, it matches my shoes.

You will see more vomit than you did in your college partying days.

While it’s great for spending time with your kids, playing with toys is boring.  Most likely, your kids have drained all of your imagination.  The only way you’ll ever play with toys again is to place them in compromising positions.

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Your Spanish vocabulary will grow as a direct result of watching Dora the Explorer all day.

Your kids will ask for something to drink every five minutes.

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You will soon learn to recite no less than three stories by memory.

You will absolutely hate at least two of them.

Your baby will sleep 18 hours a day.  None of them between the hours of 12 and 6 a.m.

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Scumbag Stevie Poo

At first, you will be running errands most days of the week.

Eventually, you will get tired of buckling/unbuckling your kids and learn to coordinate your errands to all fall on one day of the week.

You will buy a cat simply because it will get at least one kid out of your butt.

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If an angel gets its wings every time a bell rings, then every time a stay at home dad sits down, a child asks for something.

Your watch will be set to the bus schedule as this is really the only measure of time that matters to you anymore.

Play-dates with other dads become your main source for wrestling entertainment.

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Always put your money on the bigger baby.

Your child will be more technologically advanced at the age of three than you ever will be.

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Expect to sleep on the couch.  Even if you didn’t do anything to deserve it.

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Remember how you used to dream about having more than one girl in bed? Now, you’ll dream about kicking them all out.

Your kid’s idea of fun will not be the same as yours.

Your days of owning nice things are over.

You will tell lies–horrible, horrible lies that encourage the arts.

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There is no such thing as everybody smiling and looking at the camera.

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Grandparents will purchase every board game on the market.  In reality, the only games small children can play are Hi-Ho Cherry-O and Cooties.

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You will discover new, practical uses for duct tape.

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Some of them may not be legal.

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I have more to say, but the girl just asked me for something to drink.  To be continued…

 

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