Jan 032013

The girl has been in need of a new bed mattress for some time now.  Her current bed is a hand-me-down from an older brother that liked to pretend his mattress was a trampoline.  It was in rough shape when the boy used it, considering it was previously used by me during my early to mid-twenties–a period I like to call the “Blackout Years”.  And, while the boy did his share of puking in the bed, I must admit, that some of those stains are mine, including one memorable one that led me to never drink another drop of hard liquor.  But enough reminiscing.  I want to talk about kids bedding sets, or more importantly, why my kids don’t need them.

I’ve seen some ridiculous bed sets, but my favorite would have to be the Dora bedding that’s printed right on the mattress:


I understand the need to market licensed characters, but honestly, what good does Dora’s rotund face do on the mattress?  I’m not going to NOT put a bed sheet on it.  It’s not like my daughter can see Diego through her bed sheets and one-inch thick piddle-pad.  So, I see no reason to pay over three-hundred dollars for this mattress when I can buy one just as comfortable for seventy bucks.  Then there’s this.

We’re standing in the mattress store and the salesman is showing us all the different possibilities.  There is the $70 plain-old coil mattress, the $260 Euro top twin, and the $400 Super-duper, Extra-double-padded, Pillow Top Deluxe bedding sets.   He offers to get them down (twins aren’t on floor display) so the girl can try them out.  My wife and I look at each other, then at the girl, and decide that’s not necessary.

This bed will be used by a 3-year old that weighs somewhere around 25-30 pounds soaking wet.  I think just about any mattress will do.  Besides, kids can fall asleep in just about any environment or position, regardless of bedding.  Perhaps a trip through some old photos could strengthen this argument.

Sometimes it’s just not worth walking to your bed.



 This was one of the boy’s favorite ways to sleep.


Kids have an amazing ability to fall asleep with all matters of crap on their face.

Like hair-bows…


…or hangers…


…or even, glasses.


This is parenting’s version of drawing on the passed out drunk guy.

Children can go to sleep in the middle of eating, so I doubt that Pillow-Top mattress is going to matter.  I like to call this one the Pop-Tart Pass Out.


Is that soft, velvety Euro-cover really going to matter if my kids can fall asleep in a hard plastic chair…


…using a dinner-tray for a pillow?


WARNING:  These next two examples may cause your bones to groan.  Do not look if you pull muscles easily.

There isn’t much to say about these sleeping positions other than this:  If your kid can fall asleep like this, it doesn’t matter what the hell they’re sleeping on.


I get a crick in my neck every time I see this photo.


Never practice Yoga when you’re sleepy.

Seeing as how our kids can sleep in just about any position or situation, I couldn’t bring myself to purchase the expensive beds.  Besides, we all know the best mattress is a human one:


  2 Responses to “Only At Mattress Giant. (go ahead and say it….Ooooh Aaaaah)”

  1. Hahaha! Good stuff!

  2. aww, I've never seen a bunch of these before. Caleb is sooooo cute with longer hair.


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